While I can't recall a specific date or time, I remember the day well. I was standing in my kitchen leaning against a cabinet when I finally accepted a truth about myself that I had struggled with for the past several years. I had been living a lie for a good portion of my life, and I was ready to admit that to myself. While there was somewhat of a liberating feeling associated with this revelation, I was not quite ready to reveal it to anyone else. In fact, my inner struggle centered around whether I would ever reveal it to anyone at all. When I weighed the potential costs, it seemed just keeping it a secret would be best option overall. It was likely that my marriage would not survive. While I thought my wife might in someway understand if not appreciate the truth, it was doubtful she would wish to continue in the marriage, especially if I went public. I thought my children would ultimately accept me for who I was, however there would likely be a period where they would be confused as well. I also considered how it might ultimately have an impact on their daily lives. They might likely lose friendships in that parents may not want their children around me in fear that I may in some way try to make them like me. Having a love and passion for coaching, I considered the fact that I may not be able to coach in my small community. They may not outwardly say I could not coach because of who I was, however the coaching slots may quickly be filled and I may just not be needed anymore. There would be countless friends and family who would be hurt by finding out who I was. I had truly come to an acceptance of who I was, and again it was quite liberating. It was the pain and awkwardness that others would feel that made me contemplate living the rest of my life with my secret. The potential loss of friends and family was gut wrenching. The acceptance that I had lived so much of my life trying to be someone I was not was made me feel like a liar and a cheat. I could just stay quiet and continue to live as I had been, lying to myself and lying to others. It would certainly avoid a great deal of controversy, pain, change, and anger. And so at least for the time, that is what I chose to do. Go through the motions of life denying who I was and what I believed.
I suppose someone who has contemplated revealing the fact that they are a homosexual might very well identify with the feelings I have just described. I would guess that there is a long period of time where you must wrestle with and weigh the costs of coming out. However this was not an inner struggle about coming out as a homosexual. I am quite comfortable and confident in my heterosexuality. I do however feel I am at least one step closer to understanding the painful struggle many homosexual individuals must go through and the costs they too must weigh in coming out. I am not sure it is precisely the same, however there are at a minimum many similarities I would assume.
And so this blog and this journey will both begin with the following statement. My name is David Kirk. And I am no longer a christian (and by christian definition...never was).
I hope that you will follow the rest of the journey as I believe it has something to offer the pastor and the pagan. I believe it has much to offer those that may find themselves in the position I have found myself in at the age of 40. I certainly can't share it all in one post. I have spoken in tongues (or believed I did). I have been physically held to my bed by a demon (or thought I was). I have lead bible studies in my home, laid hands on others in prayer. I have felt the presence of the holy spirit (or thought I did). I have sacrificed time and money for the advancement of the kingom. I was not a sideline christian. I was in the action so to speak. I again believe that it offers some credibility to the story, and something for all should they choose to see it. I plan to explore all of that in this blog, as well as my general thoughts about religion in general. I do not wish for this to become a debate on the existance of god or the truth or falsness of the bible. I do not wish it to become an anti christian or anti religious rant. Debate will likely come about, and I certainly enjoy a good debate. I certainly won't be kind or flattering to christianity or religion in general. It is not however the mission to simply attack those who do not believe as I now do. I hope you will find something for yourself in my journey...whomever you are, wherever you may be, and wherever you may be headed.
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